A Letter to the Strong Friend,

To the strong friend,

Hey there! How are you today? No, I mean really how are you? I know you get asked this every day and your typical response is “good” or “fine” and then you immediately focus on the other person’s day. Any big emotions or tough stuff on your plate gets kept inside while on the outside you are smiling and being helpful to others around you.

People often look at you and think of how resilient you are. How tough you are. How you can juggle and manage a million things without getting stressed. How helpful you are whether at work or how you are always there for your loved ones.

You love this side of you. You love being there for others and being a source of comfort, encouragement, or reassurance. You love being needed. You love helping. But who helps you?

People see you as this put together person who can handle anything that comes your way. Who do you let in to see the real you? The deeper, more vulnerable you. The you that does in fact have emotions despite what others may think. Have you found the space where you can let that guard down and show people your worries, your insecurities, your sadness, your fear, or your doubt?

I see you being there for others and putting your stuff inside nice little boxes in the back of your brain. These things build and build over time because you haven’t figured out a release yet. You’ve been praised your whole life for how well you handle tough situations and how good you are at being there for others, that no one taught you how to be there for yourself. You don’t know how to express these things to the people around you. Maybe you have tried before and it didn’t go well. They have their own stuff going on so it didn’t seem like there was room for your stuff. Plus, you get over stuff so easily you just have to suck it up and prioritize your loved ones, right? (hmmm, how has that been working?)

You are tired. No duh. It is exhausting pretending that everything is okay all the time. It is exhausting having to care for others, work all day, and then try to use what little energy you have left to sort through your own thought and emotions. It is easier to shove them aside and minimize them. Well, at least for a bit but then somehow more and more emotions come up. How did that happen?

By not releasing when your body needed it, the fuse has gotten smaller. The tiniest things can set you off now. You feel resentment, irritability, exhaustion, sooo much exhaustion, and fear. You start to doubt yourself. You have been told your whole life how strong and resilient you are. So what does it mean when you have very real emotions and they aren’t going away? Your identity is being shaken. You are sooo drained that you can’t be there for your loved ones. Another piece of your identity puzzle being cracked.

That voice in your head is getting so loud.

Saying you aren’t good enough. Saying you’re a burden. Saying you are too much.

On the outside you are laughing at a brewery with your friends, getting your work done on time, and paying the bills. On the outside you are listening to your friend go on about their relationship and their worries.

They don’t ask about you. Because you are “fine.”

One day the wall may crash. Emotions may flood out and feel intense. Because I know you have emotions and that you feel deeply. I know there is something beyond the surface smiles and the “fine, you?” response you have crafted so well. I see you for who you really are. A human. Not the strong friend, not the perfect employee, not the helper, but a person.

I see how hard you care about your loved ones. How hard you worked for this image and your success. I see how scary it is to let people in and the fear of disappointing them. I know it can be scary to think the success may go away if we show these authentic emotions. There’s that annoying inner critic again.

I hope you know you are not alone. I hope you find the spaces where people genuinely care about how you are and give you the space to be real. I hope you find those releases for those emotions. You are not heartless or cold. Yes, you are resilient, but just because you can handle something doesn’t mean you have to. And it doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. I hope you find a way to feel and express the humanness in you.

I think you are so tough. Not because you can minimize your insecurities and needs but because you had to hold all of that on your own for so long. That is a lot, no wonder you’re exhausted. This space is here for you and I hope you can lighten the load. You deserve to be seen and to be helped. You deserve to have people who walk alongside you on this journey, like you have for so many. You deserve space to vent and to cry. Yes, even cry. Did you cringe? That voice is saying tough friends don’t cry. I hope you find the spaces where you can.

You are not weak. You are not a failure. You are not a burden. You are not a disappointment. You are you. I am so proud of you for starting this journey of figuring out these emotions and experiences. You’ve been that light for so many people, I am proud of you for shining that energy your way. Wherever you are on this journey, I walk alongside you. If this is the first time you are thinking about these things and noticing these patterns in your life. I see you. How tough these realizations are and feeling lost and stuck on what to do. The urge to go back to how things were but now realizing how unfulfilling and exhausting that way was.

Maybe you’re further along and aware of that inner critic and trying to be authentic. I see you. How hard it is to rewire our brain, create and maintain new patterns, figure out new roles and learn new skills. It is meaningful and rewarding AND exhausting at times. Look at you getting into these complex emotions already!

Lastly, I want to give some hope. Not the toxic positivity or finding a silver lining but true meaningful hope. I have been the strong friend for many relationships. I am still learning and growing. It is something that will likely be a long journey of awareness and intention. But I have changed so much along the way. I have more meaningful and lasting relationships. I am accepted by people in my life when I am in my feelings. I can share with my loved ones when I am anxious or depressed and it turns out I am not burdening them. I am more confident and laugh more and get excited more. You can get here too. You are tough, strong, determined, hard-working, kind, compassionate, loving, and capable of doing hard things, including positive change.

I am here with you on this journey, my fellow strong friend.

Sincerely,

Alicia Johnson