3 reasons the holidays are exhausting. Bah humbug.
The holiday season is often painted as the "most wonderful time of the year," full of joy, laughter, and endless parties.
But let’s be real—sometimes it’s more like a never-ending to-do list with a side of exhaustion. Then we end up in a shame spiral because we think we “should” be having fun instead of counting down the days until all the festive stuff is over. I am here to tell you that you are not alone. Here are three reasons the holidays can feel more tiring than festive and how to take care of yourself through it all.
1. The Emotional Juggle is Real
Holidays can be a mixed bag of emotions. Sometimes many emotions at once. We may be feeling some joy at seeing family or watching the kiddos light up when opening gifts. We may be feeling grief and longing for those who are unable to physically celebrate with us. Or maybe you have some messy family dynamics and end up feeling tense and uneasy around family yet push through because it feels like the “good” thing to do. It can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. And our brains and body may have a hard time knowing which emotions you are feeling and what you need.
Sometimes when we experience a variety of emotions at once, our bodies don’t know how to handle that. Our brains like to organize things into nice boxes like “happy”, “sad”, “scared”, etc. and we learn what to do for each of those boxes. But what happens when we don’t fit into one emotional box? What do we do?
Labeling our emotions and identifying what is going on is a huge first step. It might seem silly or useless but there is a lot of research that shows the power of labeling our emotions can help us release them.
Secondly, let’s watch that shame spiral. If you need some help with self-compassion, ask yourself what would you tell a friend? If your friend told you they were stressed about seeing their family for the holidays would you call them selfish? Or ungrateful? Or bad? No. You would give them permission to feel their feelings and you’d still think kindly of them.
Give yourself permission to feel all the feels.
You deserve that same kindness to yourself. It is okay to feel all the feelings this time of year. In fact, it is perfectly normal and expected to experience the wide range of emotions. We just don’t often talk about it.
What else is your body telling you that you need once you identify and accept the emotion? Do that. Sometimes it is talking to a loved one or going for a walk. Sometimes we need a good distraction or break from stuff. Whatever you need, I hope you can do something small for yourself and attend to your emotions this season. You are not alone. You got this.
2. Perfection Pressure is Exhausting
There’s this unspoken expectation to make the holidays picture-perfect. The Pinterest-worthy tree, the Instagrammable cookies, the thoughtfully curated gifts—it’s a lot. For many women, the pressure to create a magical experience can overshadow actually enjoying it. There are so many “shoulds” and expectations that happen this time of year. Some of it we put on ourselves but sometimes we take on others expectations and it becomes too much. We want to please everyone and ensure everyone is having a holly jolly time. But what about us? Inside, we are struggling. We are tired, resentful, and wearing a mask so no one knows what is really going on because they would impact the perfect image, right?
Let’s not forget about the pressure to spend endless money on gifts and worrying that we aren’t doing enough for people. People put themselves into debt or go beyond their budget this time of year because of the social pressure to give the perfect gift. We have somehow turned caring for others into a monetary condition where if we don’t spend enough then we fear someone won’t care about us or think we don’t care about them. I am seeing this a lot this year. The economy is a big concern for many people and they are struggling making the holidays magical without spending their savings account.
It is actually super wild to think about all the expenses involved in the holidays… There is the obvious expense of gifts to loved ones but we might forget there is a pressure to gift to teachers, neighbors, delivery workers, and other service providers in our life. Then the holiday cards and maybe new outfits for the cards and maybe an additional outfit for the holiday events. Oh and holiday pajamas for the whole family to wear. And groceries for holiday cookies and desserts or hosting big family meals. Oh and decorations for inside and outside the house. And the list goes on and on. And each item there is this pressure to be perfect. To look good enough and impress people. It is so freaking exhausting and takes the fun away from the moments.
So what the heck do we do with this one? Let go of “perfect.” Don’t roll your eyes quite yet, I know this is easier said than done. Start by reflecting on where this pressure is coming from, you or others? Reflect on what really matters to you? Prioritize that. Put your energy into that. Think about any areas that are easier to be flexible with. Maybe store-bought cookies are totally fine this year and you’d rather put your energy into other things. Is there anything about this season that brings you joy? Can we do more of that? What can we let go of in order to make room for joy?
Sometimes this is the hardest area to work on because we feel like we are letting others down or worry about people judging us. As much as I would love to say “well just don’t care what others think” I know we are human and of course we care about acceptance and connection. If this one is really emotional to work on right now, it is okay to give yourself permission to survive this season and work on this for later. Maybe therapy can explore your attachment and worth and figure out how to care for yourself and others without sacrificing one or the other.
Sending you all the strength for whatever you need and wherever you are on your journey.
3. Nonstop Social Commitments Can Be Draining
Between work parties, family gatherings, and catching up with friends, your calendar might look more packed than Santa’s sleigh. Socializing can be fun, but when you’re constantly “on,” it can leave you feeling wiped out. And for those parents reading this, you also have to deal with your kiddos school events, holiday breaks, daycare changes, and more. When I hear people talk about their holiday schedules I get stressed for them. Routines are off, schedules are a mess, and time has no meaning. I am truly impressed people make it through each year because it really is total chaos for so many.
This also ties in with the earlier key points already mentioned. We feel pressure to say yes to everything. We want to make everyone happy. We want to see all the family and do all the things. Or else we worry we will hurt people’s feelings. So we overbook ourselves and ignore our needs.
I don’t know about you, but planning family events is such a headache. My family is LARGE and I have many sides of the family that I care about. You may be in a similar spot where you have a large or blended family plus if you’re with a partner then you have their family/families as well. Or maybe you’re separated with kids and trying to plan holiday events for the kiddos. You see how this is all a mess right? Someone is bound to not be able to come or make something work and it feels awful. We feel bad. We bend and break to try to make everyone else happy and having the perfect holiday.
Also- where the heck is the time to get work stuff done? We are expected to holiday shop and care for our family and spend all this time with people, but our jobs rarely care about those things. Even if we take pto we are still expected to get all the work done we normally do but with less days to do it. Are we starting to see why we are all so tired and eager for the holidays to be over? We want our routines back. We want the consistency and reliability back. We want to feel in control and at ease.
Until then, try to give yourself permission to say no. I lived away from my family after college so when I would return home for the holidays I tried to see everyone. And I mean EVERYONE. I sometimes went to 5 different places in a day even if it was for like an hour just to say hi. My intention was to see the people I cared about and celebrate with them. What ended up happening was I was so stressed and tired trying to make it to each place, I was not present in the moment and can’t even tell you anything about those events. I was in my head and couldn’t enjoy it. It didn’t fulfill my goal of celebrating with my loved ones. Since then, I had to start limiting how many places I go to. I focus on each space and enjoy my time there. I focus on creating meaningful experiences with those around me. Sometimes that means alternating years or days events are held. Or making compromises with people. It isn’t easy, but it is worth protecting your peace.
Regardless if you’re able to say no and cut things off your to do list or planner, try to find small ways to stick to a routine. Our brains are happy when it can predict what will happen and have that reliability in our life. It feels safe. It is okay if we don’t do our full extend of routines or that we need to make adjustments. Something is better than nothing. Modify your routines to make sense with your time, energy, and resources. You are doing your best and I am so proud of you.
Takeaway:
The holidays don’t have to be a marathon of exhaustion. But if it is, you’re not doing anything wrong. Stop that shame spiral from making you feel like complete crap. It is okay not to be jazzed about this time of year. You can see how much is going on in this blog so your feelings make total sense. If you’re able to give yourself any grace or kindness, I hope you see that you’re kicking butt and surviving the best way you know how.
Remember, it’s okay to take care of yourself—your well-being is the best gift of all.
If this blog post brought up some emotions when thinking about family and the holidays, feel free to reach out to see if therapy would be a good fit to explore those. You don’t have to suck it up and do this all alone. I am in your corner.
- Alicia Johnson, LMFTlicensed therapist in MN, SD, MI, OK, FL, & SC. 