No More New Year’s Resolutions

Ah, New Year’s resolutions—those lofty promises we make to ourselves each year thinking “New Year New Me”. We start seeing people post about wanting to lose weight or workout 5 times a week or buy a house… The list goes on and on. It might even feel motivating that first day to do something different or work towards a goal. But then life happens and we feel the crushing guilt of breaking a resolution by February (or, let’s be honest, January 10th). Yup, you’re not the only one who doesn’t reach their goal.

Let’s be real: New Year’s resolutions are overrated. They’re like the diet culture of self-improvement—unsustainable, unrealistic, and often downright unhelpful for your mental health. Instead of setting yourself up for a guilt-fueled spiral, why not try setting intentions instead? Not only are intentions kinder and more flexible, but they’re also a lot better for your mental well-being.

Let’s break it down.

The Problem with Resolutions

So why is a therapist talking bad about resolutions? Aren’t they supposed to be motivating and help us better ourselves? Maybe in theory but they often make us feel guilty, inadequate, and overall crappy. Here’s why.

1. They’re Often Unrealistic
Resolutions tend to be about massive, life-changing goals that require huge amounts of willpower and time. “Exercise every day,” “Stop eating sugar,” or “Never scroll on social media again” might sound good on paper, but life happens. You get busy, tired, or get sick with a midwinter cold, and suddenly your perfect streak is broken.

These resolutions are easy to spot because they are so grand and use words like “every day” “never” “stop”. If you are like me and haven’t had a regular workout schedule in years, suddenly saying you are going to work out every day is a big leap. Or saying I am never going on social media again when it may be a way to connect and stay in touch with friends and family.

They are so grandiose and extreme it is really hard to actually keep up with them. And when we inevitably break the streak or rule, we feel like a failure. We go into a guilt and shame spiral. Then, we aren’t motivated to keep going anymore. So not helpful.

2. All-or-Nothing Thinking
Resolutions are notorious for promoting a black-and-white mindset. Either you’re crushing it or you’ve completely failed. Think to the goals above. They give no room for gray. You work out every day or else you fail. You don’t eat sugar or you fail. You give up social media or you fail. Geez, that’s harsh.

What if you are sick and your body needs rest rather than a run? What if you want to celebrate your birthday with a fun treat? What if you want to see the new photos of your nephew posted on Facebook? Those aren’t failures. Rigid thinking can lead to feelings of failure and self-criticism that are tough to shake.

There’s no grace, kindness, understanding, or flexibility. This is not sustainable for most people. Because let’s face it, life is going to happen and when it does, you don’t need the inner critic to make you feel worse.

3. Pressure and Burnout
Resolutions come with an unspoken deadline: achieve your goal by December 31st. That’s a lot of pressure! And let’s face it, pressure rarely leads to sustainable change. Instead, it’s more likely to lead to stress, anxiety, and eventually burnout—the opposite of what we’re trying to achieve.

Let’s look at the examples above again. If your resolution is to save up for a house, that seems simple enough. But what if you lose your job? Need to buy a new car? Decide to travel with friends? The year comes to end and you still haven’t met this made up deadline you put on yourself. You feel pressure to meet this goal and get defeated and hopeless if there’s no forward movement.

Also, so many of the resolutions people create are around these social expectations of what we think we should be like. So much of it is driven around physical health and appearance. We see dieting and gym membership marketing all over the place because society is putting pressure on you to “look a certain way” for you to be worthy. It is b.s. We often set these resolutions based on what other people will think about us rather than what we actually need.

4. They Ignore the Journey
Resolutions focus heavily on outcomes. Lose the weight. Run the marathon. Save the money. But what about the process? When we’re laser-focused on the end result, we often miss out on the small, meaningful moments that make the journey worthwhile. If you are meeting your goals, you likely check the item off your list and wonder, what’s next? You go easy on the behaviors and find yourself back in the place you started. You aren’t building sustainable habits that you can be mindful of each day because you are so focused on the end goal. And we already talked about how harmful it can be on our mental health if we aren’t able to reach the goals.

Why Intentions Are the Way to Go

So, what’s the alternative? Enter intentions—the gentler, more compassionate cousin of resolutions. Intentions are less about rigid goals and more about setting a tone for how you want to live your life. Instead of focusing on what you want to achieve, intentions emphasize how you want to feel and the values you want to prioritize. Here’s why they’re better for your mental health:

1. Flexibility and Growth
Intentions are fluid. They leave room for change and growth, which makes them way less stressful than resolutions. For example, instead of “I’ll work out every day,” you could set the intention to “move my body in ways that feel good.” This allows for yoga on some days, a brisk walk on others, and maybe just stretching when you’re feeling tired.

This builds a more sustainable practice because it allows you to check in with yourself each day on what your body is needing. Some days, an intense workout class feels good. Other days, I want to rest on the couch and stretch out my legs. Both are helpful for my body in different ways. Then, on the days that I don’t want or need the more intense movements, I am not beating myself up for it. Because I am actually in tune with my needs and prioritizing those.

2. Focus on the Present
While resolutions often dwell on what you don’t like about yourself (“I’ll stop being lazy/selfish/bad”), intentions bring your focus to the here and now. They’re about embracing the moment and making choices that align with how you want to feel. It allows us to reflect on ways to behave that are in line with our values, needs, and resources.

It isn’t putting pressure on this deadline, but rather allowing you space to sit in the current moment. By meeting your wants and needs in those moments, it can make you feel accomplished, motivated, fulfilled, and worthy. Wow, that sounds much more motivating and sustainable over guilt and shame!

3.Self-Compassion
Setting an intention is an act of kindness toward yourself. It acknowledges that you are human and that life isn’t always predictable. If you’re having a tough week and miss a few workouts, your intention to “prioritize self-care” can adapt—maybe rest and relaxation become the self-care you need right now. You know your girl loves self-compassion and intentions are a great way to practice this tool. We often have compassion for other people’s goal and understand that others can’t be perfect, but we are so hard on ourselves. Let’s add some grace and kindness to our own life.

4. Intrinsic Motivation
Intentions tap into your internal values and desires, rather than external pressures. This makes them more meaningful and sustainable. Instead of striving for a goal because you feel like you “should,” you’re guided by what genuinely matters to you. Intentions are broad enough where it can adapt and evolve as you change instead of this pressure from others. Maybe your intention is to be healthier. Instead of taking on the social pressure to look a certain way or weight a specific number, it can be about going to the doctor yearly, getting enough sleep, laughing, and finding other ways to care for yourself. Those internal values can improve our confidence, self-esteem, and mental health.

How to Set Intentions That Stick

Ready to give intentions a try? Here’s how to set them:

• Reflect on Your Values
  What’s important to you? Connection? Growth? Peace? Use these as a foundation for your intentions. For me, I like to pick a word of the year that is vague enough to be applied to all the important areas of my life. Connection? That can include strengthening the relationships you have with family and friends. It can mean finding purpose in your work. It can mean getting involved in your community. Heck, it can even mean getting connected to your thoughts and feelings. See how you are able to still have “goals” but they are much more adaptable and flexible depending on what you need that day.

• Keep It Simple
  Avoid overloading yourself with too many intentions. One or two well-chosen ones are enough to guide your year. Change is hard. Even good change. So even if it seems exciting to learn a new language, cook more meals at home, do more DIY projects, and more that may be overwhelming and lead to burnout. Remember, intentions can be vague enough so the actions can change over time.

  My word for 2025 is strength. That means some days I will focus on my physical strength with yoga while other days I will have deep meaningful conversations with loved ones to strengthen those relationships. Some days strength means saying no to things or taking chances. My intention stays the same even if my behavior looks different.

• Focus on Feelings
  Ask yourself how you want to feel this year. Energized? Grounded? Inspired? Craft your intentions around those feelings. That can help the intrinsic motivation rather than putting pressure on this end goal. If we are doing things so we can feel inspired, energized, present, etc then we are able to reflect each day what we need to feel that way.

Tip: try not to use things like “happy” because that implies that other emotions are bad. I often recommend people to use words like joy instead because we will all experience tough emotions like sadness or anger or fear and that doesn’t mean we failed at something. It is a human experience.

• Revisit and Revise
  Unlike resolutions, intentions aren’t set in stone. Check in with yourself regularly and tweak them as needed. Life evolves, and your intentions can too. That is why setting a word or something vague enough helps you stay in tune with your wants and needs throughout the year rather than feeling like crap after a month and repeating the cycle again the following year. We are not the same people on Dec 12 as we are Jan 19. So of course our needs and intentions are going to change. Our context can change. Our resources may change. This is why having flexible intentions can actually be more realistic than rigid goals.

Examples of Intentions

Not sure where to start? Here are some ideas:

• “I intend to care for my body”

• “I intend to be more present with my loved ones.”

• “I intend to find joy daily.”

• “I intend to be mindful with my money.”

Or create a word of the year like me!

• Resilience

• Connection

• Balance

• Passion

The Bottom Line

This year, let’s leave the guilt-ridden resolutions behind and embrace the power of intentions. They’re kinder, more flexible, and better aligned with your mental health. So go ahead, set an intention (or two), and start 2025 with a mindset that’s all about growth, joy, and self-compassion. Cheers to a new year filled with possibilities!

Alicia Johnson, LMFT in SD, MN, MI, OK, FL, & SC.