Tips to Prevent Burnout in Perfectionists

Are you a perfectionist who is feeling burned out?

On the outside things seem to be picture perfect, but on the inside everything is a mess.

This blog may be for you if you….

·         Are type A

·         Love completing to do lists

·         Have a clean and organized house

·         Want to organize something right now

·         Have higher standards than your friends

·         Work hard

·         Like to make others happy

·         Get compliments on your style

These types of things are common characteristics we attribute to folks who “have it together” and “perfectionists”. Before we dive into how draining maintaining all of those things are, can we talk about the term “having it all together?” If you know me, by now you may realize that I pick up on language that we use. That term often implies that people have perfect lives, they must be so happy, they don’t have any problems, and things must be so easy for them. This is a problem because we often don’t see the inner struggles these people who “have it all together” really face. Also, by saying someone has it all together, it may be unintentionally minimizing the stress or problems those folks have.

Many people who work towards having it all together actually deal with a great load of stress, anxiety, or worry. Have you ever felt the pressure to do all the things? Literally all the things. Have a great successful career. Have a clean house. Have a loving family. Be social and a great friend. and and and and and…. It is exhausting doing just one of those things well, let alone ALL OF THEM.

So where does this pressure come from? For some, the pressure comes from outside forces. Maybe your family had certain standards that you grew up knowing and feel pressure to live up to those. Maybe society tells you that your pantry needs to have baskets and containers to impress people. Maybe your neighborhood all has perfect lawns and you feel that pressure to fit in. Or maybe the pressure is internal. Maybe you were an underdog and you want to prove people wrong. Maybe you have only gotten recognized and praised for when you’ve done well at something. Maybe you want to fit it. Maybe you want to overcompensate for some deep insecurities. The possibilities are endless.

Wherever that pressure is coming, whether it’s inside or outside, it is heavy and overwhelming. It also takes effort to minimize that pressure and to feel free. Imagine instead of spending every Saturday cleaning and organizing your home, you go play with your kids outside. Imagine instead of completing your to do list everyday, you save a few items for later in the week and you go for a walk around your neighborhood or grab coffee with a friend. Heck, imagine the dishes piled up after dinner and you watch tv instead. Imagine being free from the pressures and just doing what you want. Sounds nice, right.

It can be hard to get that place. I will be honest. I am a perfectionist at heart who has done a lot of work, including therapy, self-help books, and more to break free from some of those patterns. I did not just wake up one day and suddenly didn’t care how things seemed. It took work. Why?

Like I mentioned earlier, these pressures, both internal and external, are often deeply ingrained in us. if we do something that goes against these values or beliefs, we often feel discomfort. We try to put off that task and we notice our brain racing with what if thoughts, we feel tension in our shoulders, and we start to get warm. Many people do not like or know how to manage these sensations. So what we do is we complete that task and yay that discomfort goes away-for now. This is why change is hard. It takes work and energy and time.

Change is possible though. I know from personal and professional experience that these patterns and pressures don’t have to last forever.

Tips to Decrease the Perfectionist Pressures

·         Find a good therapist. One who understands anxiety and can understand where your unique pressures are coming from. Not all therapists work with anxiety or these types of pressures to be perfect, so it is crucial to find one that fits well with you so you can get that change you deserve.

·         Start small. Maybe you can’t leave a whole pile of dishes in the sink overnight, but maybe you can leave one spoon. Or maybe you can’t not clean the house before guests come over but maybe you leave one things dusty. Small steps make it easier to do the harder things and builds momentum to change those deep patterns.

·         Patience. Change doesn’t happen immediately and it can take time. Don’t give up. You have likely had these patterns for a long time so changing them may take a few books, a few therapy sessions, or some trial and errors of trying things.

·         Do what is best for YOU! Part of the perfectionist pressure is doing things for other people. A huge shift happens when you start doing things just because you want to. If you want to complete your whole to do list today, great! Do it because YOU want to and not because someone else expects it. Sometimes we don’t have to start changing our behaviors, we can start shifting our mindset!

Finding good help can be hard. If you want to use insurance to cover any mental health therapy, you need a diagnosis. This can be a problem for folks who “have it all together” because you may not qualify for a mental health diagnosis. You may just be experiencing normal life pressures or some family pressures, and your day to day functioning is fine. Some therapists turn away these clients because they don’t meet diagnosis criteria or because insurance won’t cover those sessions. This can be super frustrating if you are looking for help and can make it seem like you are “over reacting” - spoiler alert- YOU AREN’T! Mental health services are not just for people who meet a clinical diagnostic criteria. If you are feeling these pressures and wanting change, there are services out there for you. It just might take some digging and possibly paying without insurance. Feel free to chat with a local therapist near you to discuss your options.

If you are in the Michigan, Florida, Delaware, South Carolina, or Oklahoma area, feel free to reach out and get a free consult for counseling. Let’s find you a game plan to start reaching your goals. Start by clicking HERE to schedule the free intro call and see if online therapy is right for you!

Alicia Johnson, M.S., LMFT

Online Therapist in Ann Arbor, providing online therapy across Michigan, Florida, South Carolina, and Oklahoma!